omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
