just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
