Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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