im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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