Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
