So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
