Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
