Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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