Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
