wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
