Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
