I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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