watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
