Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
