I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
