I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
