dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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