dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
