GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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