Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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