I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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