I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
