He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
