i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
