I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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