I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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