YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
