At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
