I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
