i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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