mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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