Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
