I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
