i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
