I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
