Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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