Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
