FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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