Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
