i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
