just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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