My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it hurts more in the daytime
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
