he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
