Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
