Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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