my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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