I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
