I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
