I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
