2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
