glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.