He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
time to smoke my breakfast
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.