Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
