Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
