Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
