I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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