Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
