Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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