I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
