I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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