Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
